I'm just as flummoxed as you are.

Happy 18th, Gracie!

2009-11-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

You were an angel in disguise. That exquisite powder blue gown you wore was just a figment of the beauty that you possess. That bold green gown showcased your blossoming disposition. That night, you were beautiful (as you always are), lady-like, and defied people’s inkling of a soft-spoken and timid Gracie.

…

I’d like to proffer to you the best pieces of advice that my father relayed to me the moment I turned eighteen. I carry these snippets in my heart each waking day. I hope that you will too.

1. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
You will now constantly hear people say, “no more mom and dad to run to when evil people take away your candy. You must learn to take care of yourself now.” Know which battles are worth fighting for and engaging in bloodshed with. There will be times that people or events will try to pull you down—but infuse in your mindset the snippet that you have in your dainty hands the power to change your outlook on life.

The process of fighting our insecurities is a never-ending process. Never allow another to bolster these insecurities—be thick faced, face the world with utmost pride, and remember that you are beautiful.

2. Never give up when the battle hasn’t even started yet.
Life never hands us orange juice. We must squeeze the whole oranges painstakingly until the best of the juices are filtered out.

Don’t expect to see a rainbow when you haven’t even taken a step towards that multi-coloured article. Prior to engaging in that first step, you will see multitudes of stones, the clouds will close its doors on you, and animals will attack you here and there; oftentimes, that first step is the hardest to take. We tend to act immediately baffled by the obstacles that life presents us with.

But know that these are just thoughts that encumber all of us prior to taking that first step. Never allow the fear of striking out get in the way of accomplishing your goals. A new battle awaits you each day. Face each battle with a prayer, a cheery attitude, and an optimistic mindset.

Gracie, I want you to know that everything will be fine. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are respectful. Diligent. Admirable. Efficient. Obedient. And best of all, your filial devotion is eternal. Eighteen is just a number—the real journey towards maturity and greater responsibility begins within you. Never be afraid to take that oftentimes difficult first step towards your goals. Your brother, Marvin, and I are with you every step of the way.

We love you so much.

Why I Love Green & White

2009-10-26T05:48:00.000-07:00

January 15, 2009

I had hit that momentous pre-quarter life crisis. My stint as Vice President for my professional organization was coming to an end, I was utterly stressed and bored with my life, and I kept doubting my leadership and writing abilities. I needed that extra boost to uplift my self-confidence, and I constantly prayed that I’d be able to find a family in the university. I had grown weary of living life according to plan and wanted to explore “that verve on the other side.”

I read books, I wrote, I pushed myself to the limit by balancing academics, thesis, and my on the job training. I was at school in the morning, at work in the afternoon, and burned the candles at night.

Then it came. I prayed for weeks on end that I was making the right decision. Not only would the EB race be an added burden to my overworked self during the third term, but it would also lessen my time for academics (should I make it) the coming year.

[…]

March 21, 2009

I was named Literary Editor for Green and White 2010. But I was still despondent. I kept asking myself what I was doing in the publication, and at times, even expressed regret at my earlier decision to fight for the position. I was feeling out of place, and I implored to the heavens that I be given a sign that I had made the right choice. By the end of the month, I realized that each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.

So I stayed. And decided to fight.

[…]

June 14, 2009

I was adjusting rather well to the rigors of Green and White. But I feared for that time when I’d finally have staffers and was expected to lead them to the realization of our committee’s goals.

June-October 2009

And then there were Marvin, Gracy, and Joyce.

Present

They were narrowed down to two.

Working for this publication reminds me of Sharon Cuneta’s quote on marriage, “it’s a decision that you make every day when you wake up next to the person whom you chose to marry.” And much like my work for the publication, the stint and responsibilities that come with it are decisions that I make and face each day (or until the yearbook is launched).

I thank God each night for enlightening me with the consequences of my decisions. I know that I will never be a perfect Literary Editor for the publication, but I wake up each day with a firm resolve to do my best and present a strong façade for my hardworking and exceptional staffers. My strength will never come from physical capacity—it will always come from my indomitable will.

I love this publication because despite my initial doubts, it taught me the value of resiliency. It taught me that I can do and be anything. It proved to me that I am capable of many things, and of leading two wonderful staffers with the best hearts and the brightest minds. I climb five flights of stairs each day and open the doors of our office, walk the few steps, and marvel at the spectacle that is Green and White 2010.

I love it because it taught me the value of appreciating my talents and people who work for me. It’s not just a yearbook publication—it’s one great family.

What I admire the most about Gracy :)

2009-10-19T04:01:00.001-07:00

I could compose an endless litany of praises for this girl.

She’s young, vibrant, extremely responsible, efficient beyond miles, calculates risks, endearing, and trustworthy. She’s intelligent, possesses a jovial demeanour, adorable, and competent. Despite all her commendable qualities, she prefers to be silent—as she meticulously completes all tasks assigned to her and as she dutifully fulfils her obligations as a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a staffer, her beauty shines even more. Beyond her physical appearance is a demure and soft-spoken young lady whose greatness, it seems, is beyond compare to those her age.

She’s wise, astute, and shrewd. Give her a task this afternoon, and she’d diligently attend to it until it is fully realized. Giving up is never an option. She fights and refuses to concede to the numerous trials that life proffers.

Make her write a blog entry or a literary piece, and she’d devotedly accomplish these—yielding such commendable results. Yet she remains unassuming. It even seems that she doesn’t have much faith in herself.

She’s my baby. She’s only 17. Yet she acts and performs well beyond her years. I see her smile and her face light up, and my face begins to exude the same terrific aura. She coughs, I cough. She laughs, I chuckle—although, not in the same delightful way. It seems that we’re tied by a discreet nexus that incessantly tickles my nerves—albeit, in a good way.

She’s a daughter any parent would be proud of. To Gracie’s parents, you have every right to be conceited. You must know how truly lucky and blessed you both are to have a marvellous daughter like Gracie. She’s simply amazing. And like the late Patrick Swayze whom she was named after, I’m certain that she’ll leave a laudable legacy that surmounts the test of time. She’s already left a bequest as one of the best staffers, along with her brother, Marvin, in Green and White—that’s for sure.

Of pent-up thoughts

2009-08-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

I’ve been feeling this compelling urge to write and explicate my thoughts for the past two weeks or so. The lack of willpower and time got in the way, and I short-changed myself to journalizing my nagging thoughts on thin air. But the wind blew away my thoughts, and I only hold on to the snippets of whatever words are left in my mind. Alas, lesson learnt—another that I seek to inculcate in my staffers: immortalize your thoughts on paper or in your blogs whilst that thread of contemplation still hangs.

Difficult is not even enough to describe the last week. I’ve always striven to present a strong facade once I leave the confines of my 24 square meter condo. Though I fail to wear a rather believable poker face—thanks to my poignant eyes—my emotions tell otherwise. Once again, the fateful sojourn to 101 begins.

24. Satisfy no one but myself
During my freshman year, I counted my 4.0s. Despite my incredibly high GPAs in the next few terms, I kept telling myself that they were never sufficient to attain the goals that I had for myself. I want to keep proving myself to other people for I’m only as good as my last performance. But that’s where the quandary lies—ruthlessly satisfying other people’s expectations without even thinking of my well-being.

We move to the next wish that I have for myself.

25. Accept life’s challenges whole-heartedly.
And so I survived five gruelling terms with GPAs that would make Jose Rizal proud. Upon commencement of my sixth term, I was convinced that I would, once again, gather incessant 4.0s and qualify for candidacy for the Jose Rizal Honors’ Society. I equated my self-worth with whatever grades I got. While others perceived a mundane life as one that consists of the daily rituals that would sustain their lives, I regarded high grades as the essential nourishment that would bless me with the strength to live life—alas, but never fully.

That term, I fell short by .1 to qualify for the said society. I refused to concede—I enrolled for the summer term, with the hope that a 4.0 during the term will eventually redound to inclusion in the said society. I got the 4.0 but still failed to have my name included in the prestigious list.

We move on the next wish which is, once again, connected to the previous.

26. Stop looking back
I felt a curse raging through my veins. That first term, which ensued after my summer term sojourn, I fell short of a Dean’s List worthy GPA. And I still can’t forgive myself for that. I still find myself looking back, with utmost hurt, at that first term during my third year in college. I sternly believe that the failure to have my name included in the Dean’s List every first term of the year began during that period. And so I pray, with the greatest of all faiths, that I be gifted with the strength and the wisdom to stop looking back and to just continue boldly marching forward toward greater things in life.

27. Forgive myself
This term, I got a 1.5. I’ve accepted my shortcomings in the course. Wise words from one of my best friends definitely eased the pain, “it’s better to have lost your grade virginity to someone worth it.”

28. Keep learning
When I was a frosh, I told myself, “ang pangarap ko lang is mapasama sa Jose Rizal Honors’ Society.” I failed to qualify for the society, but I still have dreams.

Two years later, I whispered to myself, “mamamatay ako kapag nawala ako sa DL.” Two attempts to qualify for the said list were futile, but I’m still alive.

A few months later, I promised myself that “tatawagin ko sarili ko na ewan if magkaroon ako ng 1.5” I got a 1.5 this term, but I still call myself a smart-ass.

Life’s challenges have brought me to the slow and painful realization that I still am learning. I still stand strong, because I have to. I have three people depending on my strength. Beside my—what I call—“weak facade,” is my extremely supportive family. I may falter at times, but I must learn to stand abruptly, with dignity and grace.

29. Act on the advice that I give to others.
My best friend in our college block solicited my counsel a few days ago: is it practical to drop her commerce course given her academic, emotional, and mental status? Aside from the difficulties experienced in coping with the rigorous demands of her commerce subjects, she feels that she cannot exude the creativity and assertiveness expected from an art major. I advised her against the move, emphasizing that strength can never be forced from a situation—it is, like all other ideals, learned, albeit the hard way. Furthermore, I shared the depression that I experienced during the initial months of transition from a liberal arts degree to pursuing my commerce degree—tough but an essential requisite for building one’s character. I ended the session with the stern advice: “panindigan mo ang sinimulan mo. Sino ba nagsabi na madali ang buhay?”

I wish I could live on the advice that I proffered to my best friend during those few minutes of deep conversation. But the reality that I’m still in the university and pursuing my second degree with a rather heavy extracurricular load on my back is—I deduce—sufficient proof that I’m standing by what I started. I may, at the moment, not have enough conviction to declare that I’m truly happy with the decision to finish my course, but I know that it will eventually redound to my benefit in the near future.

Xena, the Warrior Princess, is living vicariously through me—though the latter has yet to realize that.

30. Emerge victorious.
I know I will. And the PICC stage is not even large enough to accommodate all the applause that I will get in life. The world stage is set for Avis. Just you wait.

Next stop in my list: of destinations.

Out of the blue

2009-08-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

Because I need to entertain myself and be freed of all these harrowing thoughts. I must take advantage of this temporary lucid interval before proceeding with the writing.

What can make me happy?

1. A profound conversation with one of my best friends.

2. A day with Marianne.

3. Hugs and kisses from the cutest members of my family.

Hush. All trials end. And I still have to write my story. Here comes the sun.

Additions to my 101

2009-08-07T06:35:00.001-07:00

19. See beauty differently.
No matter how attractive one is, her beauty can never be appreciated by those around her if the evil in her heart is unwavering. But too rarely do most of us focus on our real inner beauty and our inner strengths. We are part of a world which has been programmed to live in a prison which sees beauty as having flawless skin, a killer smile, long straight hair, a curvaceous body or a slender stature. We form an optical delusion of the consciousness which restricts us to our personal desires and limited affection for those around us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty (Albert Einstein).

20. Be more kind.
Holding the door or picking a dropped object for someone may be too random an act of kindness. What we fail to see is that the multitude acts of compassion amounts to something greater than we could ever imagine – a world buoyed by love, and kindness. Smile at someone, be a better person, say “thank you” to those who compliment you, and keep your mouth shut if you have nothing nice to say. Then we could free ourselves from the callous entrenchment we have submerged ourselves into.

21. Attend Mass religiously.
My greatest fault for the past months is that I call upon God to help me surpass all trials when I am truly struggle-ridden. I fail to acknowledge His greatness during those times when I am still coping with life’s minor setbacks. I fail to thank and glorify Him with all my heart despite the numerous blessings He has showered upon me.

John Stott once said, “Faith is a reasoning trust, a trust which reckons thoughtfully and confidently upon the trustworthiness of God.” It is surrendering one’s self to the Lord and trusting Him with all one’s heart. It is submitting to God one’s hopes and dreams for tomorrow, and at the same time, exerting effort to reach those dreams. God never takes us to where we want to be – He takes us where He deems we will emerge as our greatest selves.

I always thought that I had the willpower and resources to reach my aspirations. But these could never get me anywhere if I fail to accept that God is my armor against all trials.

22. Be content.
Sadly, many of us continually postpone our happiness – indefinitely. It’s not that we consciously set out to do so, but that we keep convincing ourselves, “Someday I’ll be happy.” We tell ourselves we’ll be happy when our bills are paid, when we get out of school, get our first job, a promotion. We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough -- we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to on a nice vacation, when we retire. And on and on and on!

Meanwhile, life keeps moving forward. The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D’Souza. He said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.” This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

From Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff
by Richard Carlson, PhD

Once again, I devote thirty minutes of my precious time to relaying the rest of the things that I must accomplish before I die. Before typing away, let me convey to you why these blog entries exist. These hallelujah choruses of things to do before my staffers and I pass away began as a blog writing exercise to further enhance the writing skills of the Green and White 2010 literary committee – which brings me to the another wish that I must do before I die.

23. Be a very effective leader.
And so I continue this paragraph. Weeks earlier, I sought for ways to improve the writing skills of my committee. I knew that vocabulary and grammar drills were not sufficient to further intensify the writing aptitude of my staffers. Hence, I thought of a term-long assignment that is challenging and well-thought of – and with this, the 101 things that I must do before I die homework was born.

I have always feared being labelled as one of those leaders who walks through the door for his term, and walks out that same door after his tenure ends - with nothing to boast. Prior to accepting my staffers, I designed my tenure as one that put their development at the thrust of the committee’s objectives, while emphasizing the immense need to maintain academic excellence. Furthermore, I envisioned their stay in Green and White as that of an unforgettable one, whilst remembering their leader as a kind, patient, and respectable person. Ika nga, “magiging ninong at ninang kayo ng mga magiging anak ninyo.” Despite my occasional fear that I may be doing my job insufficiently in the eyes of others, I know that only those people who truly see me work, delegate tasks, and lead them to the fulfilment of the committee’s objectives can decide if I am truly an effective, conscientious, and compassionate leader. So tell me Marvin, Joyce, and Gracy, is Mommy/Ate/Sibling Avis doing her job well?

What's with 101?

2009-08-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hello. I’m Avis, and here’s my list of 101 things that I must do before death knocks on my door.

Some of these things may never come to the fore, while a number of those in my list may billow from heaven as the birds and rainbows oftentimes do. However, I found it vital to jot down what may seem like a spate of creative and sometimes unimaginable ideas, which will serve as a testament to the aspirations that I have for myself. In the not so distant future, my to be husband and future children will see this, and realize that his wife and their mommy is not as boring as she projects herself to be. Beyond the dirty laundry and ladle that a wife and mother constantly hold is a chock-full of ideals, principles and antics that only a click of a button may unveil.

Here are my nuggets of wisdom; my spate of aspirations; my dreamy sojourn to nirvana; and a testament to my words of triumph over life’s travails.

PART 1: Of the girl’s wishes

1. Write the story of my life.
Last month’s (or is it this month’s) edition of Reader’s Digest carried a feature which showcased tips on composing an autobiography which perfectly resonates one’s life story. Simple rules on weaving together the poignant and trying times of one’s life to effortlessly capture the essence of one’s existence were relayed by the article’s author for the future auto biographer to flawlessly depict his life’s story. The Reader’s Digest feature inspired me to, one day, retrieve my oldest pen and two diaries, and meticulously enmesh my experiences into an autobiography which can profoundly impact the reader.

Besides, the odds of someone else writing my biography are rather remote.

2. Bury a time capsule.
Dear Sophia / Patricia / Daphne / whatever name I choose for my daughter,
Mommy loves you very much. Can you believe that at one point in her life, she actually decided against having children? But then she met your father – handsome, crackling with intelligence and with an unimaginable swagger. He caught your mother’s heart – she was enraptured by his charm, and totally smitten with his passion for living. You mother talked in hushed tones of her admiration for your father. Yet, your father rifted through her emotions (in a somewhat sombre manner). Then we had you – beautifully sublime, undaunted by life’s challenges, and cerebral. Your happiness is of utmost importance to your father and I. Marry well, live life to the fullest, and be not afraid of committing mistakes. Your mother committed a dozen mistakes before she found perfection in your father and you. She loves you.

3. Be more confident.
Beginning a sentence with an “I” is not advisable. A psychologist said that people who constantly begin sentences with an “I” are ego-centric and must try to minimize their swagger to a weight that is manageable by others. But for the sake of confidence building, I will begin a number of sentences in this paragraph with an “I.” I want to be more assertive. I believe that I try to please people too much, and this affects my outlook in life. Oftentimes, I let other people’s image of me dictate my future actions. I refuse to label myself as a weakling, but oftentimes, I cannot help but tag myself as one. I dream of waking up in the future without having to constantly worry about other people’s oftentimes distorted image of my character.

4. Learn to play the violin.
It was an idyllic April when I turned on the television to a Grecian-like goddess with long and shiny hair holding what seemed like a miniscule guitar. Upon closer perusal, I discerned that the goddess was holding a bow in her right hand. Four strings in tow, the deity raised the instrument, carefully placed it below her jaw and played a mellow tune. The melody floundered in the air as I opened my mouth to breathe airs of awe. Head bobbing, and her nose glistening with sweat, the instrument served as her portal to conveying emotions to the listeners. Someday, I will be that goddess – never Grecian, but proudly Filipina.

5. Sing again.
Would you believe that I could actually belt out a song ala-Broadway? That was more than five years ago, before I stopped attending my voice lessons because voice recitals were looming and I was deathly afraid of performing in front of a large crowd. The daily showers became my sojourn to singing without restraint – then one day, the melody refused to make its way out of my vocal chords. Unruffled, I sought to regain the melodious tone of my voice by aiming for such high notes whilst in the shower. Then began my singing voice’s descent to silence – my voice was mellowed by time, yet the passion for music remains. One day, I will stand in front of a large crowd and sing Celine Dion songs with the proper cadence and composure. Someday, I will.

6. Dance again.
When I was still a child, waking up in the dead of night meant silently crawling to our living room to insert a tape in the audio, and dancing to the tune of Macarena or Pearly Shells. Those providential nights witnessed Avis with a special shroud of non-humiliation and unloosening all inhibitions. Those years were the most farcical, flamboyant and rambunctious of times – yet, I was happy. If I could turn back the years and step into my grass skirt with pompoms in hand, I would. The tiny bubbles were never tiny – they just seemed tiny to the then unscathed and scrawny little Avis whose then inchoate image of things were seen from the eyes of an oblivious child.

7. Turn my mobile phone off for an entire month.
My childhood was filled with incessant bawling for my parents consistently refused to buy me a high-end cellphone of the latest make. They’d argue that I was in such a hurry to grow up and that a ten year old girl can never be in dire need of a cellphone. I was given the moniker “Little Chrissy,” reminiscent of a famed spoiled brat who got everything that she asked for, only to find her fixation waning after a few days. Fast forward nine years later, and I find myself wishing to rectify my once wrongfully skewed image of the world. Once inveigled by the beauty and image that I can project upon owning a cellphone, I no longer think of it as my muse. My cellphone is gaunt and weather-beaten, but not as shrivelled as the stresses that it has caused me. I want to turn m mobile phone off for an entire month – but I can’t. Responsibility dictates.

8. Forget life’s stresses, even just for a day.
“I returned to my office, eager to finish unfinished business, and threw an entire “URGENT” file in the bin. Nothing had happened with that file for eight months, yet the world hadn’t stopped turning.” – Gill Hicks, Reader’s Digest

9. Party in a club until the wee hours of the morning.
Tossing hair, hands aimlessly reaching for the skies, unrestrained movement and endless liquor – the makings of a perfect evening in the club. The corridors echoing with loud party music, footsteps thundering to the beat of the songs of Cobra Starship, a flurry of muscular men pouring out of the corners and an endemic energy racing through the club’s walls – oh, what joy. Silly incantations of drunk men and women fill the club, the vacuum occupied by spontaneity and moronic gestures that seemingly convolute the room – the continuum of racing energy shrouds the club as the trick of light slowly comes to a halt. The night ends and I head home – satisfied with my experience in the club.

10. Stop saying that everything “is okey.”
Earlier, one of my closest friends told me that I have a predilection toward muttering the words, “okey lang” every time someone slights or aggravates my emotions. My proclivity toward pleasing people is unhealthy and in near future, can cause countless difficulties in grappling with my true sentiments. Much like drafting a contract for a multinational corporation, I must learn to expressly articulate my feelings instead of relying on implied messages. In the Avis dictionary of phrases, “okey lang” may mean any of the following:
a. okey lang talaga. Don’t fret too much; or
b. it’s not okey. Sobrang na-hassle ako. Please, huwag mo na ulitin.
And it’s almost always that I wish to relay the second definition. As my friend advised, I should learn to simply shrug my shoulders or say “apology accepted.” As for you, apology accepted.

11. Tell you how I feel.
It’s because I want to emerge unscathed from this plethora of unexplainable emotions that I keep everything to myself. It’s been almost a year and a half, yet my feelings for you remain hidden in the deepest recess of my bag. I’ve tried my very best to be coquettish, yet you still cannot feel. I’ve screamed defiantly – over and over – yet, you still cannot hear. I’ve striven to rebuke these emotions – still unrequited – yet, every time I try to move on, you’re always there. The past year and a half has been a rollercoaster, yet the ride hasn’t stopped – not even for a minute second. My idyllic days become tinged with reality every time your visage pops in my head. You’re still my muse – but I must learn to picture you as my segway to Prince Charming.

12. Tell my parents that I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
Dear mama and papa,
I love you both so much. Nahihiya ako tuwing sinusubukan ng mga salitang ito na lumabas mula sa aking bibig. Pero sa mga sumusunod na taon, kung sakaling mabasa ninyo itong aking mumunting blog, ay malaman ninyo na hindi ko makayanang isipin ang araw na wala na kayo sa tabi ko. Tinitiis ko bawat gabi dito sa Taft ang mga oras na wala kayo upang ako ay kausapin, patawanin, pakainin at patulugin. Alam kong marami akong pagkukulang sa inyo at minsan ay nararamdaman ko na hindi ako karapat-dapat na maging anak ng mga napakababait na mga taong kagaya ninyo. Pero sana maramdaman ninyo ang napakalalim na pagmamahal ko sa inyo. Hindi ko lang po masabi. Someday, I will. And I promise to never walk down that aisle and declare my love for another man without telling the two prime people in my life of the great love that I have for them.
Love, Abby

13. Feel whole again.
There are countless times in my life when I thought that I was slowly descending to madness. Dishevelled, weather-beaten and at times feeling addled by life’s numerous trials, I thought that I would be subject to a life of happiness-penury. The art of being optimistic about life is something that I have yet to master. The skies flutter merrily over my head, but at times, the joviality wavers. The occasional distressing and panicked tailspins must be halted - may they will, one crisp November morning.

14. Meditate for an hour or two.
Imagine: a child sitting on her father’s lap, cotton candy in hand and the sweetest melodies playing in the background. Flash forward fifteen years later: the now grown child sits in the car, hands on the steering wheel and impatiently waiting for the traffic light to turn green. The cars beside her beep, her migraine worsens as the noises around her echo and she wishes to transport herself to quieter moments. Once home, she closes her eyes and begins her slow and wary ascent to serenity. Her solemn sojourn commences – she seeks nothing more.

15. Sleep for an entire day.
My eyes are closing. It’s 12 AM and the first of August just arrived.
My eyes are already open. It’s 7:23 AM and still the first of August.
Days when I was able to sleep like a raccoon are long gone – university life, worries and folding beds got in the way of my tired bobbing self. I try to blatantly ignore the long-term effects that the lack of sleep may have on me for necessity dictates. Days before, I told my father that it’s relatively easier for some people to wake up at such unholy hours in the province. My father responded, “kapag may pangangailangan, gigising ka talaga.” The necessity incumbent upon me is to finish my undergraduate studies with Latin honours. Hence, I am awake now, blogging incessantly while trying to relieve myself of the stresses that yesterday caused. As soon as I weave together the poignant moments of my life and solve all life’s mysteries, then I will sleep.

16. Graduate Magna Cum Laude with two Outstanding Thesis Awards under my belt.
Weeks ago, I sought to become realistic and confined myself to graduating Cum Laude with an Outstanding Thesis Award under my belt. I was prescient and decided that only a miracle can bless me with such awards. Disappointment continued to boldly look me in the eyes and I refused to be presumptuous about my future. In my self-effacing demeanour, I limited myself to those which are certain. But today, I woke up with a firm resolve and a sheer determination that resonates loudly, more than ever – I will graduate with great praise and add another Outstanding Thesis Award under my belt. It’s not just for pride or sheer swagger – but the satisfaction of an ego hidden in my subconscious; the ascent to the self-actualization level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs wherein you care for no one’s opinion but yourself. When I graduate with great praise, maybe then I can stop trying to please people too much.

17. Continue writing.
I’ve incessantly inundated myself with such great responsibilities that I oftentimes forget to feed my longing for that piece of paper which allows me to articulate my thoughts without judgment. Regrettably, I viewed writing as a saddle which encumbers me from completing other tasks which I have committed myself to doing. Furthermore, I continue to immerse myself in trivial fixations which have left me with little time for myself and my family. During those rare quieter moments, I open my laptop and begin communicating my thoughts – but I do not even let a soul read my writing sojourns for fear of judgment. My inability to write as well as others continues to hound me. I fear faulty sentence structures and syntax errors; even the unimaginable expectation of my current post yields undreamt of fret.
“There were nights when I would wake in the middle of the night and feel the urge to write. The thoughts were strumming in my head; however, I did not heed these ideas and thought that the throbbing would miraculously disappear. Oftentimes, I became worried that I would eventually lose my talent for writing and lose my extensive vocabulary. However, I was too confident in my abilities. Little did I know that as my fellow writers continued to write and develop their skills, I was left with a pen and a blank canvas. I became stagnant and continued dreaming of publishing my own book. I was a writer; yet, it had been years since I last wrote an endearing piece.” – written by Avis on the 4th of April, 2009.
It is with a firm resolve that I declare that I will never stop writing and developing my aptitude for it.

18. Meet you, finally.
Dear you,
I still haven’t found you. Yet, why does it seem that everywhere I look, you’re right there? Am I just indifferent? Or have I, for the past years, labelled you as nothing but a friend? My once unrelenting hope for finding you is fleeting. Please, unveil yourself. Will I meet you at work? I know that we’ve crossed paths once in our lives – maybe we just didn’t see each other; or maybe I didn’t see you (literally). This insatiable desire of meeting you is gnawing at me. This maze of finding you continues to flummox me. And I wonder; are you looking for me as well?