Hello. I’m Avis, and here’s my list of 101 things that I must do before death knocks on my door.
Some of these things may never come to the fore, while a number of those in my list may billow from heaven as the birds and rainbows oftentimes do. However, I found it vital to jot down what may seem like a spate of creative and sometimes unimaginable ideas, which will serve as a testament to the aspirations that I have for myself. In the not so distant future, my to be husband and future children will see this, and realize that his wife and their mommy is not as boring as she projects herself to be. Beyond the dirty laundry and ladle that a wife and mother constantly hold is a chock-full of ideals, principles and antics that only a click of a button may unveil.
Here are my nuggets of wisdom; my spate of aspirations; my dreamy sojourn to nirvana; and a testament to my words of triumph over life’s travails.
PART 1: Of the girl’s wishes
1. Write the story of my life.
Last month’s (or is it this month’s) edition of Reader’s Digest carried a feature which showcased tips on composing an autobiography which perfectly resonates one’s life story. Simple rules on weaving together the poignant and trying times of one’s life to effortlessly capture the essence of one’s existence were relayed by the article’s author for the future auto biographer to flawlessly depict his life’s story. The Reader’s Digest feature inspired me to, one day, retrieve my oldest pen and two diaries, and meticulously enmesh my experiences into an autobiography which can profoundly impact the reader.
Besides, the odds of someone else writing my biography are rather remote.
2. Bury a time capsule.
Dear Sophia / Patricia / Daphne / whatever name I choose for my daughter,
Mommy loves you very much. Can you believe that at one point in her life, she actually decided against having children? But then she met your father – handsome, crackling with intelligence and with an unimaginable swagger. He caught your mother’s heart – she was enraptured by his charm, and totally smitten with his passion for living. You mother talked in hushed tones of her admiration for your father. Yet, your father rifted through her emotions (in a somewhat sombre manner). Then we had you – beautifully sublime, undaunted by life’s challenges, and cerebral. Your happiness is of utmost importance to your father and I. Marry well, live life to the fullest, and be not afraid of committing mistakes. Your mother committed a dozen mistakes before she found perfection in your father and you. She loves you.
3. Be more confident.
Beginning a sentence with an “I” is not advisable. A psychologist said that people who constantly begin sentences with an “I” are ego-centric and must try to minimize their swagger to a weight that is manageable by others. But for the sake of confidence building, I will begin a number of sentences in this paragraph with an “I.” I want to be more assertive. I believe that I try to please people too much, and this affects my outlook in life. Oftentimes, I let other people’s image of me dictate my future actions. I refuse to label myself as a weakling, but oftentimes, I cannot help but tag myself as one. I dream of waking up in the future without having to constantly worry about other people’s oftentimes distorted image of my character.
4. Learn to play the violin.
It was an idyllic April when I turned on the television to a Grecian-like goddess with long and shiny hair holding what seemed like a miniscule guitar. Upon closer perusal, I discerned that the goddess was holding a bow in her right hand. Four strings in tow, the deity raised the instrument, carefully placed it below her jaw and played a mellow tune. The melody floundered in the air as I opened my mouth to breathe airs of awe. Head bobbing, and her nose glistening with sweat, the instrument served as her portal to conveying emotions to the listeners. Someday, I will be that goddess – never Grecian, but proudly Filipina.
5. Sing again.
Would you believe that I could actually belt out a song ala-Broadway? That was more than five years ago, before I stopped attending my voice lessons because voice recitals were looming and I was deathly afraid of performing in front of a large crowd. The daily showers became my sojourn to singing without restraint – then one day, the melody refused to make its way out of my vocal chords. Unruffled, I sought to regain the melodious tone of my voice by aiming for such high notes whilst in the shower. Then began my singing voice’s descent to silence – my voice was mellowed by time, yet the passion for music remains. One day, I will stand in front of a large crowd and sing Celine Dion songs with the proper cadence and composure. Someday, I will.
6. Dance again.
When I was still a child, waking up in the dead of night meant silently crawling to our living room to insert a tape in the audio, and dancing to the tune of Macarena or Pearly Shells. Those providential nights witnessed Avis with a special shroud of non-humiliation and unloosening all inhibitions. Those years were the most farcical, flamboyant and rambunctious of times – yet, I was happy. If I could turn back the years and step into my grass skirt with pompoms in hand, I would. The tiny bubbles were never tiny – they just seemed tiny to the then unscathed and scrawny little Avis whose then inchoate image of things were seen from the eyes of an oblivious child.
7. Turn my mobile phone off for an entire month.
My childhood was filled with incessant bawling for my parents consistently refused to buy me a high-end cellphone of the latest make. They’d argue that I was in such a hurry to grow up and that a ten year old girl can never be in dire need of a cellphone. I was given the moniker “Little Chrissy,” reminiscent of a famed spoiled brat who got everything that she asked for, only to find her fixation waning after a few days. Fast forward nine years later, and I find myself wishing to rectify my once wrongfully skewed image of the world. Once inveigled by the beauty and image that I can project upon owning a cellphone, I no longer think of it as my muse. My cellphone is gaunt and weather-beaten, but not as shrivelled as the stresses that it has caused me. I want to turn m mobile phone off for an entire month – but I can’t. Responsibility dictates.
8. Forget life’s stresses, even just for a day.
“I returned to my office, eager to finish unfinished business, and threw an entire “URGENT” file in the bin. Nothing had happened with that file for eight months, yet the world hadn’t stopped turning.” – Gill Hicks, Reader’s Digest
9. Party in a club until the wee hours of the morning.
Tossing hair, hands aimlessly reaching for the skies, unrestrained movement and endless liquor – the makings of a perfect evening in the club. The corridors echoing with loud party music, footsteps thundering to the beat of the songs of Cobra Starship, a flurry of muscular men pouring out of the corners and an endemic energy racing through the club’s walls – oh, what joy. Silly incantations of drunk men and women fill the club, the vacuum occupied by spontaneity and moronic gestures that seemingly convolute the room – the continuum of racing energy shrouds the club as the trick of light slowly comes to a halt. The night ends and I head home – satisfied with my experience in the club.
10. Stop saying that everything “is okey.”
Earlier, one of my closest friends told me that I have a predilection toward muttering the words, “okey lang” every time someone slights or aggravates my emotions. My proclivity toward pleasing people is unhealthy and in near future, can cause countless difficulties in grappling with my true sentiments. Much like drafting a contract for a multinational corporation, I must learn to expressly articulate my feelings instead of relying on implied messages. In the Avis dictionary of phrases, “okey lang” may mean any of the following:
a. okey lang talaga. Don’t fret too much; or
b. it’s not okey. Sobrang na-hassle ako. Please, huwag mo na ulitin.
And it’s almost always that I wish to relay the second definition. As my friend advised, I should learn to simply shrug my shoulders or say “apology accepted.” As for you, apology accepted.
11. Tell you how I feel.
It’s because I want to emerge unscathed from this plethora of unexplainable emotions that I keep everything to myself. It’s been almost a year and a half, yet my feelings for you remain hidden in the deepest recess of my bag. I’ve tried my very best to be coquettish, yet you still cannot feel. I’ve screamed defiantly – over and over – yet, you still cannot hear. I’ve striven to rebuke these emotions – still unrequited – yet, every time I try to move on, you’re always there. The past year and a half has been a rollercoaster, yet the ride hasn’t stopped – not even for a minute second. My idyllic days become tinged with reality every time your visage pops in my head. You’re still my muse – but I must learn to picture you as my segway to Prince Charming.
12. Tell my parents that I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
Dear mama and papa,
I love you both so much. Nahihiya ako tuwing sinusubukan ng mga salitang ito na lumabas mula sa aking bibig. Pero sa mga sumusunod na taon, kung sakaling mabasa ninyo itong aking mumunting blog, ay malaman ninyo na hindi ko makayanang isipin ang araw na wala na kayo sa tabi ko. Tinitiis ko bawat gabi dito sa Taft ang mga oras na wala kayo upang ako ay kausapin, patawanin, pakainin at patulugin. Alam kong marami akong pagkukulang sa inyo at minsan ay nararamdaman ko na hindi ako karapat-dapat na maging anak ng mga napakababait na mga taong kagaya ninyo. Pero sana maramdaman ninyo ang napakalalim na pagmamahal ko sa inyo. Hindi ko lang po masabi. Someday, I will. And I promise to never walk down that aisle and declare my love for another man without telling the two prime people in my life of the great love that I have for them.
Love, Abby
13. Feel whole again.
There are countless times in my life when I thought that I was slowly descending to madness. Dishevelled, weather-beaten and at times feeling addled by life’s numerous trials, I thought that I would be subject to a life of happiness-penury. The art of being optimistic about life is something that I have yet to master. The skies flutter merrily over my head, but at times, the joviality wavers. The occasional distressing and panicked tailspins must be halted - may they will, one crisp November morning.
14. Meditate for an hour or two.
Imagine: a child sitting on her father’s lap, cotton candy in hand and the sweetest melodies playing in the background. Flash forward fifteen years later: the now grown child sits in the car, hands on the steering wheel and impatiently waiting for the traffic light to turn green. The cars beside her beep, her migraine worsens as the noises around her echo and she wishes to transport herself to quieter moments. Once home, she closes her eyes and begins her slow and wary ascent to serenity. Her solemn sojourn commences – she seeks nothing more.
15. Sleep for an entire day.
My eyes are closing. It’s 12 AM and the first of August just arrived.
My eyes are already open. It’s 7:23 AM and still the first of August.
Days when I was able to sleep like a raccoon are long gone – university life, worries and folding beds got in the way of my tired bobbing self. I try to blatantly ignore the long-term effects that the lack of sleep may have on me for necessity dictates. Days before, I told my father that it’s relatively easier for some people to wake up at such unholy hours in the province. My father responded, “kapag may pangangailangan, gigising ka talaga.” The necessity incumbent upon me is to finish my undergraduate studies with Latin honours. Hence, I am awake now, blogging incessantly while trying to relieve myself of the stresses that yesterday caused. As soon as I weave together the poignant moments of my life and solve all life’s mysteries, then I will sleep.
16. Graduate Magna Cum Laude with two Outstanding Thesis Awards under my belt.
Weeks ago, I sought to become realistic and confined myself to graduating Cum Laude with an Outstanding Thesis Award under my belt. I was prescient and decided that only a miracle can bless me with such awards. Disappointment continued to boldly look me in the eyes and I refused to be presumptuous about my future. In my self-effacing demeanour, I limited myself to those which are certain. But today, I woke up with a firm resolve and a sheer determination that resonates loudly, more than ever – I will graduate with great praise and add another Outstanding Thesis Award under my belt. It’s not just for pride or sheer swagger – but the satisfaction of an ego hidden in my subconscious; the ascent to the self-actualization level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs wherein you care for no one’s opinion but yourself. When I graduate with great praise, maybe then I can stop trying to please people too much.
17. Continue writing.
I’ve incessantly inundated myself with such great responsibilities that I oftentimes forget to feed my longing for that piece of paper which allows me to articulate my thoughts without judgment. Regrettably, I viewed writing as a saddle which encumbers me from completing other tasks which I have committed myself to doing. Furthermore, I continue to immerse myself in trivial fixations which have left me with little time for myself and my family. During those rare quieter moments, I open my laptop and begin communicating my thoughts – but I do not even let a soul read my writing sojourns for fear of judgment. My inability to write as well as others continues to hound me. I fear faulty sentence structures and syntax errors; even the unimaginable expectation of my current post yields undreamt of fret.
“There were nights when I would wake in the middle of the night and feel the urge to write. The thoughts were strumming in my head; however, I did not heed these ideas and thought that the throbbing would miraculously disappear. Oftentimes, I became worried that I would eventually lose my talent for writing and lose my extensive vocabulary. However, I was too confident in my abilities. Little did I know that as my fellow writers continued to write and develop their skills, I was left with a pen and a blank canvas. I became stagnant and continued dreaming of publishing my own book. I was a writer; yet, it had been years since I last wrote an endearing piece.” – written by Avis on the 4th of April, 2009.
It is with a firm resolve that I declare that I will never stop writing and developing my aptitude for it.
18. Meet you, finally.
Dear you,
I still haven’t found you. Yet, why does it seem that everywhere I look, you’re right there? Am I just indifferent? Or have I, for the past years, labelled you as nothing but a friend? My once unrelenting hope for finding you is fleeting. Please, unveil yourself. Will I meet you at work? I know that we’ve crossed paths once in our lives – maybe we just didn’t see each other; or maybe I didn’t see you (literally). This insatiable desire of meeting you is gnawing at me. This maze of finding you continues to flummox me. And I wonder; are you looking for me as well?
